Once Upon a Time

Dear friends,

Kitchen hygene has become a major issue in the place I’m living. There are a few individuals who don’t clean up after themselves. Food scraps (garlic peels, cereal, cheese, bread crumbs, etc.), spills (chocolate, jam) in addition to various bits and pieces of wrappers often clutter the counter top and floor. There have been times where I will place a plate down on the counter and hear a crunch (from the crumbs). In addition, they also leave unwashed dishes in the sink for days on end.

I am disgusted with these people. I am also tired of cleaning up after them. If anyone has any idea on how to convince these girls to clean up after themselves, I would love to hear it. The major medium that we use to communicate with each other is a white marker board we have in the kitchen.

We have asked them many times to clean up their mess, but the mess just comes back after less than a day. Writing mean messages does absolutely nothing. I want to try and scare them with facts about the consequences of leaving the kitchen in such a state. Stuff like inviting pests and promoting the growth of pathogens, but I’m having a hard time finding corresponding information from reliable sources.

Any comments, ideas or resources to go to would be great.

Thank you for your time.

kayoko

Over the last several school days, my school has had a series of lecture by Sydney Brenner, who was the Nobel Prize winner for medicine in 2002. I think going to listen to him talk is definitely a high point in my years of undergrad here. I mean, come on, how often can you say that you’ve seen a Nobel Prize winner in flesh and blood!?

The lecture was on the “Architecture of Biological Complexity” and was rather interesting because I had pondered about similar issues. Biology is very complex. Inside each and every one of your cells, there are so many processes going on in order to keep the cell alive, replicate or allow for special functions. In order for the cell to produce all these functions, there are machinery (in the form of proteins) that allow it to happen. The more I learned in school, the more mind boggling it became. It was absurd that the cell can have all these complex reactions going on at the same time without interfering with one another. In the lecture, he suggested not to be overwhelmed by the complexity, but to break it down into functional units as nature has. You can understand the complex by understanding the simpler components and how those components bind together to form the complex.

The range in the audience was also very amazing. Undergrads, grad students, professors, and people working in the school all gathered in one of the medium sized rooms to listen to this guy talk.

One of the things I like to do when I listen to people do presentations, is to observe and try to see how they make the audience interested. There were no visuals during the lecture, just a little old man with his funny British accent. He kept the audience’s attention by doing lots of analogies to things we are familiar with and made jokes when the attention was waning. He was a good presenter, but something was missing. Maybe it’s the lack of exaggerated moments or speech. I’m not quite sure. Then again, the guy is respected for his research, not his presentation skills. As any student knows, just because they’re a professor, doesn’t mean they can teach.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to remember this for a long time to come. It was really cool.

Hm. I suppose that things don’t change after all and I still cannot manage stress very well.

It was Thanksgiving /Mid-Autumn festival this weekend so I went home for a few days. My relatives went over to my parent’s house on Friday and it was nice (kind of) to see people. Luckily, the main focus was eating so I didn’t have to interact with too many of them. I think the highlight of the night was playing Text Twist on Yahoo games with my cousins. All four of us were crammed into this small room randomly yelling out words we saw. *laughs*

It’s so dumb how I lock myself up in my room and try to make myself feel better by doing things I like (watch tv and read manga) all while I worry about my upcoming tests and assignments. Worry and stress over something that hasn’t happened and hold myself back because of something that hasn’t happened yet.

I just have to try. I think I did a good first step in organizing my table/room. All I need is to start. Right now, I’m very ashamed of myself. I suppose that’s why I don’t want to talk to anyone.

It’s a battle that I’m all to familiar with and a battle that I’ve never won. I know a plan that can win the battle, but I’ve never been able to execute it correctly. But maybe, just maybe, this time will be different.

I feel stronger than before and I know that there are people who care and will support me if I ask.

As niisan might say, “JUST DO IT.”

For once, I think I will.

I should be very happy today. I went to all my classes (even the 8:30 am one), went to work, did my part in a group assignment and I even found a fancy shirt to wear tomorrow (PLAY! concert). The laundry’s tumbling away, my tummy is full on a veggie burger and the house is very quiet.

 Even so, I feel that I’ve driven myself into the corner again. I’ve been looking at career stuff for the past few hours. It’s so depressing. I cannot do anything with my B.Sc. (Biology) and anything that might be worth pursuing would be another 4-5 years of schooling. It’s not worth the time. I really don’t have 4 years to spend on schooling. Money can always be borrowed from the government, even though my parents are totally against it, but time cannot be borrowed like that.

 Ideally, I would like to be in a full time position with in the next 2-3 years. If I can keep that job for around 2-3 years to get some experience, then I can decide whether I want to and whether I’d be able to move permanently to be with the boy.

Of course, life is never simple like that. I really wish I believed people when they said that there’s no future in studying science (unless you’re smart enough to be a doctor/dentist/nurse). 

I know every student has these moments of panic about their future. This is just an example and even if is a little late, I’m working closely with a career counselor to help me. 

This is an exercise that she as assigned to me this week. List all the careers that you’ve considered, including childhood dreams.

1. artist/cartoonist (up until grade 5/6): I admired anime/manga and thought it would be cool. I gave up on that dream when a close friend just picked up art and quickly surpassed me with ease. I actually had art lessons for 3-4 years.
2. Everything from grade 7-end of high school was a blank. My goal in life at that time was to get into high school and then into university.
3. Research and development: It’s less of a career and more of a department, but it generates the idea, ne? My goal back then was to develop new cookies, flavors of ice cream, improve confectionary items, etc. It went down the drain when I decided to take the lab job instead of transferring to Guelph’s food science program. Lots of things have come out of not going to Guelph, but I do regret it to some extent.
4. My own pastry/coffee cosplay cafe: it’s kind of a dream to have my own business and be around things that I love: sweets and anime/manga. It’s not a very practical business around here because we lack the niche required to make it a success.
5. Ultrasound Technician: Don’t know if I actually like it, but it’s practical. Four years, a few exams and bam! You can go start looking for jobs where you have a good chance of getting hired. 

So, what did you want to be when you were a kid? =)

My neighbour has a drum set and I've been keeping the window open all the time for some fresh air. It's as if I have my own personal band, except that I can't choose when they decide to play. I just read the most ridiculous thing on a course forum. There is a TA who is docking marks from our assignments for not using Canadian spelling. The individual also talked about having proper grammar and not using first person, which is very acceptable. (With the way some people write, I wonder how on earth they passed high school English at all, let alone make it to university.)I have never had anyone deduct marks from my paper because I used American spelling instead of British spelling. In my opinion, both forms are correct and acceptable. Of course, individuals may have preferences for one form or the other, but I don't believe it is acceptable to force it onto others. I am rather intersted in whether you support the TA. =)

My brain is going crazy. I feel all these different emotions fighting in my head. I’m in pain cause I’m cramping and I don’t take my meds on time.  I feel sad and lonely. I have this huge urge to go get laid. Every little thing can set me off and tick me off (neighbours talking outside, someone closing the door, the phone ringing). I feel hyper and full of junk food energy.

 

I just want to disappear. Forever and ever.

It’s been a while since school started again. Strangely enough things are actually going pretty well. I’m on top of my classes and assignments right now (the whole three of them, maybe that’s why?). Didn’t think I could do one of the courses I chose for this term so I dropped it and picked up another course next term. If it worries me enough that I lose sleep over it, then it’s probably not worth the effort.

Even so, I’m very restless and worried right now. I’m not quite sure what it is that is bothering me, but I do think it’s mostly me PMS-ing. *sighs*

School is very lonely for me, you know? I don’t know people in my class and because my average class size is still 300 people, it’s rather difficult to meet people. Oh wells.

The leaves are starting to change colours over here. Maybe when it gets more into the season, I’ll take pictures. I live right against the escarpment so we have a giant hill in our backyard, figuratively speaking.

The other day I got the courage and sent an email to the prof about some things I didn’t really understand in class. He replied saying that I had asked an “awesome” question. It made me really happy. That’s never happened to me before since I’m usually the person who asks stupid questions.

I have an 8:30 class tomorrow followed by a whole day of work so I’m off to bed. Goodnight. Rest well, everyone.

I can’t believe that it is September 5^th already. It’s just absolutely absurd how 4 months have already passed and another school year is about to begin. If you ask me, this summer has definitely been the most eventful summer ever. I’ve never spent so much time with friends and going to so many different places.

Most of May was spent sewing and cutting up materials for our cosplay, which lead to Anime North itself at the end of the month. Our group cosplay was a major success and we got recognized by a lot of people. I discovered that deep down inside my camera shyness, there is another side to me that’s a camera whore. *laughs*

The next two weeks were spent recovering and relaxing before heading to Dallas to meet the boy for the weekend. It was the first time I’ve been on vacation with just my friends. The trip was great, the hotel was really nice and the people were great, even with their funny accents.

For a few weeks in July, I went to the theatre every week because I had nothing better to do. During that time, I had watched more movies than I had in many years. I also saw a whole bunch of people from high school. The same people, but everyone had a different feel to them. The way they dressed and carried themselves really reflected the changes that have gone on in the four years after high school.

The summer ended with going to the CNE one evening followed by a third convention a week or so later. This convention, Fan Expo, was alright but not as good as the first two at the beginning of summer.

School starts on Tuesday. It’s very scary because I don’t know how much I’ve changed over the summer. Have I changed enough that when I get stressed, I won’t crash and isolate myself? Am I going to be able to decide whether I want to do a second degree?

I’m actually on vacation this whole week. It’s actually my first real long vacation for the summer. I started working on and off right after exams and after a while, started working full time. Vacation is nice, but busy and boring at the same time.

It’s rather hard for me to sit at home and just lazy around, and feel that I’ve rested. There is always something nagging me in the back of my mind that needs to be done. I can never put those things down and really enjoy myself. So it’s really surprising to me when people say that they are able to have a relaxing day just by reading a book or watching tv.

So I’ve been keeping myself busy with cosplay shopping and seeing friends. There’s another convention this weekend so it won’t be too bad in terms of keeping myself occupied. My costume for this convention is going to be a pink coverall. It’s not quite done yet, but I’ll post a picture when it is done. ^_^

I feel rather accomplished because I went to the mall yesterday and asked for a bigger size. I’m actually looking for semi-casual blazers to wear for fall/winter. You’re supposed to size according to the biggest part of you, but it’s tough accepting that, especially when that brings me into the plus sizes. The only redeeming thing is that plus sizes are a bit big for me for the most part. I’d have to get it tailored for it to fit properly. Though, I think I’m still in denial.

I really don’t think I’m heading down a good road in terms of health. I don’t always eat out and I like cooking, even with my limited skills. I feel that I’ve educated myself to the extent that I can make good food choices. However, it all goes downhill when I add a lot of bad choices in there (mostly sweets and pastries). Small amounts of bad things add up, but they’re very hard to give up altogether. Finding alternatives feel very difficult too. I really don’t know what to do or how determined I am to change this lifestyle that I have.

I’ve always had self-esteem issues with my body image. I was always the chubby kid in school (“the fat lady sings!” or so they teased *laughs*) and I never felt pretty. Things have improved immensely once I started getting a new wardrobe filled with fashionable items that fit me. It feels nice when people say that this piece looks nice or that accessory looks good. I think things have improved, but they could be better. Besides, I don’t like fighting with all the other people in Hamilton for the bigger sizes. =P

It’s true! In Toronto, it’s always the bigger sizes that are left when things go on sale. In Hamilton, you’re left with the smalls and extra-smalls when things go on sale. *laughs*

Oh, I’m not trying to say that I want to get skinny. I just think that if I continue down the road with my eating habits, there’s a very very high possibility of me getting diabetes. Not very good. Also increases a bunch of other risk factors for other diseases/complications too.

It's the boy's birthday today. Since he's not going to write a blog about it, it's up to me to write something about it. Haha.

Wish him lots of 'happy birthdays' and nice stuff like that over at his blog.

 

Doesn't that cupcake on the left look so delicious? Makes me want cupcake now *laughs*

Today has been rather strange. After a weekend of doing absolutely nothing but laze around and watch anime, I feel like I’ve done a ton today.

Got to work on time. Decided that I didn’t need to go in early to do work because I didn’t have anything due this week. Got to work right away and chatted a bit with co-workers every now and then. I didn’t exactly get lots of stuff done today but I think that what I did do today was good work. There were points during the day where I really wish I could tell people to shut up and not talk while I’m trying to concentrate. Even drowning them through my music doesn’t work 100% because my headphones allow a lot of noise to get through.

After work, I had to go home to change my shoes cause they blistered my foot pretty badly. I didn’t even walk that much and I was wearing socks so those shoes are just not meant for my feet. Got changed and tried to invite my housemate/friend to go grocery shopping with me, she bluntly said no. I was a little offended in the tone that she used but oh wells. Walked to the grocery store. Quickly picked up the items I needed. I’m a little annoyed that zucchini prices went up by $0.50/lb in a week’s time. Grrrr.

Now, this doesn’t make any sense to me. In Canada, we’ve been using the metric system for a while, so why is it that the grocery stores still list prices mainly by the pound? They do have the price per kilogram, but that’s usually in a smaller font. Is it to make something look cheaper? Can we just not get used to the idea of using kg to measure our fruits and vegetables?

I got home and started cooking this Italian Sausage Spaghetti from Simply Recipes website . I traded the can of whole tomatoes for canned pasta sauce because I don’t have a blender to puree tomatoes. It worked just as well for around the same price. However, I find that I have this problem with canned/jar tomato sauce, it’s always too sour for me. So the solution that my mother taught me is to add in a bit of tomato soup. It takes away some of the acidity and sweetens the sauce. It was very very yummy. Even so, being stupid like me, I didn’t realize that I barely had enough spaghetti left for 2 servings. So I’ll have to go grab some tomorrow.

My monitor’s dieing on me so I’m going to get a shiney new lcd one tomorrow (mine is still a crt). Canada Computers recently opened a shop in Hamilton and I’m horribly excited to go and visit it. The monitor suddenly decided that it would tint red or yellow randomly. It’s happened a few times. I’m sure I could continue using this monitor for at least a while longer, but I want a new monitor so too bad. =P

Talked with my friend about going to the EX (CNE, whatever you wanna call it) this weekend. Excited. After 2 weekends of doing nothing, anything sounds interesting. The boy’s birthday is coming up. I looked at plane tickets on expedia.ca yesterday. I think my heart skipped a beat. $700. $700. for a ticket during Christmas. I know it’s peak season and everything, but that’s absurd. Conclusion? Gonna spend that money on eating good foods like sukiyaki instead. XD

This weekend was the food festival called Taste of Danforth in the heart of the Greek neighborhood in Toronto. Lots of people flocked to the outdoor event driven by great weather, good food and to join in the festivities.

Of course, who decides to get sick? Stupid body. I have this horrible flu that won’t go away. Runny nose. Coughing (Some random guy on the bus asked me if I was going to live after I coughed. People in Toronto are weird.). I still went because I really wanted to go, but my body didn’t really like it that much. I had to go home early. -_-;

My friends and I decided to go Saturday afternoon and quite a number of us showed up. Corporate sponsors are great, I got a Quattro razor for free (the reuseable ones, not the disposable ones) just as I left the subway station. It was amusing to get my friend to go back after we passed the guys handing it out to get one for his girlfriend. They were only handing out the pink female ones so it was a bit weird for him to get one. Regardless, she was pretty happy when he showed her what they had given out.

So we pigged out on food for the whole time. The meds were upsetting my stomach a bit so I didn’t really want to eat. I did eat a pork souvlaki (not too bad), fresh lemonade (amazing) and ice cream (waffle cone for $2). I also had fresh oyster for the first time. It’s always sounded pretty gross to me, but I tried it anyways. It can’t be any different than eating sushi and sashimi. The ones we had were really good. It could have used a little salt in my opinion, but my friends would argue otherwise. But yeah, it’s definitely on my list of “foods I will eat” now.

They were also handing out free Clodhoppers samples. I like them a lot. They’re my new favorite junk food, though I’ll refrain from buying them in the store cause I’m trying to cut down the sugar. When they’re giving them for free, though, what’s one or two packets?

I think I should go see the doctor tomorrow about this flu. I should be getting the worse of it right now, but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any better. It’s what…the fifth day now? My voice sounds off. I can’t breathe properly unless I’m taking Bendryl at regular intervals. *sighs* It sucks to be sick.

So this weekend I ended up meeting up with some friends from high school for dinner. We do get together only a few times a year due to the fact that some of us go to school out of town. However, it’s usually difficult to gather more than 3-4 people on short notice (which always seems to be the case for our gatherings). So I was really surprised when I got to the restaurant and found out that we were expecting 10 people!

People started showing up and it all made sense. One turned into two, two turned into four and three had turned into six. We had three boyfriends there so that’s why there were so many of us. It was absolutely amazing to see how different the boyfriends were. Even though they were all Chinese, one didn’t speak Chinese at all, one spoke another dialect and one was better in Chinese than in English (a fob). One of the girls had always dated, even throughout high school, so it wasn’t surprising to see her boyfriend. But to see two other couples there, it really struck me as a sign of our age and how we’re growing up.

I felt distant to a lot of the people there, but it was alright. We were never really close in the beginning, but we are not enemies either. It’s all good.

It’s times like these where I really wish I could have brought my boy along. I’m sure he would have felt very awkward because everyone was Chinese, but it would have been nice to introduce him to some friends. Hm. I’ve never really talked about my high school years. Probably because there wasn’t much to talk about…well, ugh..bad memories. Let’s not go there.

The other day, the boy and I ended up on the topic about this persona that I had developed (the dark, twisted side to me in the last post). He asked if anyone else had been shown this character and I told him the truth that other guys have seen that side of me. I had actually developed that persona over the course of this strange relationship I had with Secretive Guy (it’s a pun on his nickname). I didn’t mention it, I could have, but it’s not something I’m really ready to tell him. I’ve actually told my story involving Secretive Guy a long time ago before the boy and I started a relationship, whether he remembers it is another story.

The point of the previous paragraph is that I’m in a bit of a predicament. The boy has told me about his previous relationships with girls. He never really dated any of them but he was still sort of “together” with those girls. I’m kind of ashamed of my previous “relationships&rdqu o; with guys so I’ve been very reluctant to talk about them. But at the same time, I feel very obligated to tell the boy about them because he told me about his history.

Hope you have a good evening!

Oh....I got tagggggggged by rosietulips XD

5 Weird things/ Habits about myself.

1. I have a dark and twisted side that manifests herself at certain times (yes, she even has a name).
2. I watch those ranchy raunchy shows on Showcase on Friday night when I remember. (don't tell my mother)
3. I'm 21 and I still sleep with a plush animal. (21 years and counting, actually)
4. I boil my water before I drink it. (i blame it on my parents)
5. I'm a horrible liar to everyone except my mother. (Lying to her has become way too natural)

I'm supposed to tag 5 people but I don't know that many people. So, I tag d.a. >_>;

It almost felt like 50 degrees Celcius today (around 118F)! It’s hotter here than it is in Texas where the boy lives. The people on the news keep asking people to conserve energy and stuffs. It really makes me wonder why the people at school can never get the temperature right. I was in the science and engineering library for most of the day and it was cool in there. After a few hours, I had my sweater on and I was still cold. So I go back to the hospital where the lab is and it is hot in there! Apparently the building’s AC can’t seem to cool the whole building so they’ve been directing the cool air to the important places like ICU and pediatrics, which basically left everyone else to fend for themselves. It’s rather annoying when it’s nice outside and you’re freezing inside and when it’s horribly hot outside, you’re roasting in there.

Enough of that, it’s summer so no complaints. Today’s post is going to be a bit ranty. Hope no one minds. If you do, feel free to skip it and move on to more interesting things .

I’ve been feeling a bit off lately. Though, I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong. The bills are paid for, things are half decent with the boy and I’ve made lots of plans with my friends. I do believe the heat is getting to me a little because my stomach’s been a bit unwell and it just hurts every once in a while. I think I’m stressing myself out with work.

Things are going too well right now. There’s nothing wrong, I’m just not making a lot of progress. Every time I get asked the question, “so what are you up to?” The answer always seems to be, “I’m still reading.” There’s a bit of competition between one girl as much as we try to help each other by sharing ideas. We’re both working on projects that are essentially the same, but applying them for different organisms. She’s had lots of trouble getting the database to work for her organisms. I have twice, if not three times, as many organisms as she does. Regardless, it’s hard not to compare the pace I’m working at to her.

I feel very lost in what I’m doing. I’ve been handed a manuscript and told to write my paper in the same order. That’s about all the instructions that I’ve been given. I’m having a tough time deciding what information is relevant and what is not. I understand that writing a scientific paper is a very independent process, but I’m not her, I’m the girl that failed classes and barely passed some courses last year.

I want to do well. I want to impress my mother and show her the paper when it gets published, if it does. I want her to be proud of me. I feel like I’ve been really trying to move forward on this project, but the effort’s not paying off. I’m still stuck where I was last week.

I am stressed and I don’t handle stress very well. It builds up and I have a breakdown. There are things about myself that I can’t seem to get right. I’ve come to terms with how I look. Dressing myself in a stylish way in clothes that fit me correctly has gotten me compliments from people (the articles of clothing, not me). But that makes a difference because I feel I can hold my head high when I walk around in public and let them stare.

However, I don’t have the confidence when it comes to my abilities as a student or as an employee. I feel as if I can’t do anything right. Even if it’s done, it’s never done very well. I don’t know why anyone would hire me. I wouldn’t hire myself. Heh.

In a weird way, having this relationship with the boy has changed what I tell him. I always end up filtering things so that I don’t make him worry. Before, I would have no qualms about complaining about my day to him or going on and on about how unhappy I used to be. Now, I hold myself back unless he catches on that something’s not right (he’s very good at that).

Anyways, thank you for your time. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a good evening. And remember, trans-fats are bad for you. Eliminate them from your diet! Drink lots of water during heat waves. Don’t want anyone to pass out. >_<

I went back to Toronto yesterday after work to hang out with my friends at the Jazz festival at The Beaches (yes, that’s what that area is called). It was a very very hot day. I was standing in the subway waiting to meet up with my friends and even though there was a breeze from the subways passing by, I was still sweating. I was just standing there, underground with a breeze and still sweating even though I was just standing there. Crazy. When we boarded the first subway, we found a set of keys on the chair so we went back to the ticket booth to give it to people that worked there. I hope whoever forgot the keys got them back from the people. It’s really not nice to lose your keys.

Anyways, by the time we got there, it had already started so there were crowds everywhere! Listened to a few bands (some of them we really good, some were alright). Went to grab some food. Listened to more bands. It was so hot and sticky and being in a crowd of people didn’t help it very much. We stayed after it got dark so everyone got bitten pretty badly by mosquitoes. It didn’t even occur to me to bring bug spray. Oh wells.

We left around the time it closed so we hit the first crowd to try and go home. It took a while for the street cars to come but eventually we got on one that wasn’t packed to the brim and made it to the subway station where I departed from my friends in order to get to my place.

Got home around 1:20am and proceeded to pass out. I slept reeeeeaally good.

On another note, my mother called me during the event to see if I was coming home. It’s rather annoying. If I come home, I come home. If it’s 9pm, don’t you think I’m not going to come home? It bothers me that she seems to want me to come home every weekend. It’s my life and I’m only starting to enjoy it. I’ve opened up socially and go out a lot more, it’s only normal. I don’t even go out as much as other people do, but it’s still more than before. A year or two ago, I never saw my friends and they seem worried that I never saw my friends. So now that I make some new friends that I like a lot more, I go out with them every so often…and now it seems like I’m going out too much? I feel normal now. I’m enjoying my university days. Why doesn’t she think so?

Whatever. Thinking about them makes me irritated.

Listening to: A little pain by OLIVIA [Sample purposes only. Please delete after you're done. Link expires in 7 days]
Mood: annoyed

Oh. I wrote again. Mostly because d.a.’s back on tblog. I’m sorry, you’ll forever be d.a. to me. >_< Even though..I know you don’t go by that name anymore.  If kayoko stopped being kayoko…it would be weiiiiiiiiird.

I don’t really have anything to talk about today. Is there anything anyone wants to know about me? *ponders*

 My poor Animal Crossing has been neglected lately. >_< I was so close to having a perfect village too! Gah. Not impressed. Animal Crossing is fun. It’s very addictive and soothing. You plant trees, fish, talk to your neighbours, collect fruit, trade items with your friends.

 The boy and I decided today that it’d be alright to refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend today. I feel overjoyed, as stupid as it sounds. It’s nice to be happy. It makes all the painful times seem so insignificant. I do feel kind of…inferior that I’m 21 and he’s the first boyfriend. =X

 I swear, I have this inferiority complex. I’m inferior to everything and everyone in this world! -_-;

 Anyways, I’m off to take care of my virtual village. Good night and have a good day!

Has writing in here become a monthly thing now? *laughs*

It sure seems so even though I have all this time on my hands right now. Maybe I just don’t feel like taking the time to think about things and write them out. I find that I use the word “just” a lot. I need to start breaking that habit.

 Right. Now I remember why I don’t write anymore. My hand’s hurting a lot from being at the computer for 7 hours every weekday for the past 2-3 months. Ouchies. I need to learn to take more breaks, but is it even worth the bother if I’m in a crappy chair that’s too low for the desk? My elbows are at this weird height, which puts this weird strain on my shoulders. I can no longer carry a bag of milk from the grocery store on my back. It hurts too much afterwards. It makes me wonder if there’s a rule in the safety book that I can use to talk to my employer about this. *sighs* It’s stupid how much money is poured into the lab work, but they won’t buy us nice computer chairs. I was promised new chairs last summer, but it didn’t happen. I don’t know why. It just didn’t.

 My brain’s turned into mush right now from doing nothing this whole weekend. It poured a bit earlier when I woke up from my nap. I’m kind of hungry right now. I really wish someone could make food for me. It would be really nice to have a half decent meal without really lifting a finger. I can wish, can’t I?

 I got a tv in my room recently so I actually watched two episodes of Comedy Inc. with some comedians that I didn’t know. They were funny, but not the best people out there. It was nice to have a good laugh.

 You know, I really don’t want to go back to school this September. I still have 2 years to go and…I don’t know if I can do it anymore. There are plans for the future that I tell people, but there’s this unease that feels as if everything’s going to come crashing down on me.

 Right now, all I want to do is go back to bed like some sick person and sleep. Because when you’re sleeping, you don’t have to actively think about anything and all your worries are no more.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. In a way, it’s a good thing because that means I’m keeping myself so busy that I don’t give myself a chance to think. Especially reflecting on all things negatively.

It’s rather hard to believe, but I went to visit the boy a few weeks ago for the weekend. It went great. Far better than I could have imagined. It really doesn’t feel like so such a long time ago as we still can’t stop talking about events from that weekend every now and then. You’d think that after a week, you would have exhausted all the topics. Apparently not. *laughs* The trip has definitely helped the relationship. I know that I can get along with this guy when he’s beside me.

He’s the first guy that’s ever liked me back so everything was a new experience for me. It was amazing to see how the comfort level between us changed over the course of the three days; went from awkward strangeness to being comfortable in each other’s personal bubbles. I think the strangest thing for me was how easily I accepted him into my personal space. Normally, it bothers me when people touch me (e.g. a hand on my back will make me squirm in discomfort), but that didn’t happen with him.

My friend that went on the trip with me said something that really made me think. She said that after a certain point, physical appearances don’t matter as much. Is that why we got along so well? I am not the most attractive person around town and would never say that about myself. I’m a little..uh..on the chunky side…my skins got this permanent redness, etc.etc. Yeah. There’s a reason why I’ve never even gotten close to a guy around here. I think my charm is in my personality, but that’s another topic. As for the boy, he’s average. I like the way he looks, but he’s not someone that could make me blush just by walking close to me (note: it really happens to me.) I mean, you have to be able to, for the lack of a better term, stomach the way the other person looks. But you don’t have to be constantly starring at the guy in awe of his handsomeness.

The boy mentioned that it’d be interesting to look back on our first encounter in a few years. It actually shocked me a bit when he said that cause I never really thought our relationship would last that long. It’d be nice if it did, though.

Another weird conversation, he’s been thinking about what to get me for my birthday and asking me for suggestions (I have none):

Boy: what about flowers?
Me: I’m allergic.
Boy: to all flowers?
Me: I’m allergic to pollen. I don’t know which kind though.
Boy: Do all flowers have pollen?
Me: If they reproduce sexually

(this is followed by me talking about flowering plants that can reproduce with pollen or spores and him asking if I’m allergic to spores.)

.....And you thought engineering people were weird.

I think I’ve finally recovered to about 75% since the convention this past weekend. Every year I find that more people I know go to conventions. Ever since we met a big group of people at a CNAnime 2 years ago, we’ve been getting more and more involved in these conventions and having more fun (cause more people = more fun!) This year, I found out that one of the ex-thesis students and a grad student went to the convention. It was weird because I would have never guessed that they were into anime.

The weekend itself is a little blurry due to the lack of sleep so it might be a bit rough in terms of jumping around in timeline. Friday. I met girl L that I found to be extremely annoying. It was just the way that she tried to act cute, but it was all wrong and whiney. It’s alright to act like that sometimes when you’re around a boyfriend, but to do it to every single person? She also didn’t know when no meant no. No, we don’t want to go all the way up to our room to retrieve your shit even though you don’t live there. Anyways, she left a bouquet of flowers made of ribbon in our room. Since her boyfriend had not arrived yet, I can only assume that she made it. That and..I just can’t see any guy making flowers out of ribbons for his girl. So she called and asks us to bring down the flowers. I volunteered cause everyone else was so tired. I go to the lobby where she said she’d be and I walked around for 5-10 minutes and still can’t find her. I go back upstairs pretty pissed, but while on the elevator, a guy told me that he hoped that someone had given those flowers to me and that I looked good with them. I’m sure that guy was only trying to be nice but it made me feel pretty good. It was very sweet of him to say that. ^_^ 

Saturday. I went in costume and a handful of people asked for our pictures. The attention felt really nice. I look at the pictures now and it’s like “ewwwwwwwww” but it was fun while it lasted. It’s a little uncomfortable when we’re around this one guy. He has this strange way of acting around the girls he’s attracted to. So he used to like this friend…but she’s been dating my other friend now..and it’s like…dude, stay away from her. Like FAR away. It’s just uncomfortable with him around knowing he used to like her. So I try to arrange ourselves such that he stands and sits far away from her. It’s almost amusing if you know what you’re looking at.

Nothing happened on Sunday except for the post-convention hang out. At first I didn’t want to go because it would mean I would go home late (and I had to work the next day). In the end, I did go and I’m glad I went. I didn’t do much but it was fun. 

I think the thing that I really wished I did was get to meet more random people. I would love to talk to random people and hopefully become friends.

I bumped into a friend today at the student center during lunch. It was hilarious how she was so happy that I get to meet the boy soon (in 9 days). She was more excited than I was! *shakes head* Her happiness is a bit contagious.

It’s Sunday evening of Victoria Day long weekend which means that I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. Since I’m not at my parent’s house, I can spend the day however I wish. I think it’ll mean that I’ll just laze around my room, something I’ve missed dearly over the past few weeks.

A lot has happened over the past three days. Nothing life changing but it’s just different from my normal routine. Friday after work, I went to Toronto to visit friends and help out with our costumes. Well, the past three days has consisted most of tracing out patterns, cutting out patterns, ironing pleats and removing stitches. I don’t know how to use the sewing machine and painting is not my forte so I can’t really help out much. I don’t mind doing simple tasks, though I really worry about my lack of accuracy and its consequences. Think about it. Cutting out a pattern for let’s say a front panel and back pane, you have to have a certain degree of accuracy or else the two panels won’t align properly.

Last night, there were a total of 4 people working on various parts to our costumes and it was amazing. The interaction between everyone and it was just a very happy atmosphere (mostly because we are somewhat close to completion). I find it unfair that people want to cosplay, but can’t help out to do their part. Like doing a group project where an individual just writes his/her name in the end without having to do any work. I can’t be there to help very often, but I am there and help out as much as I can. The things I do don’t really require a lot of skill, but I still put in the hours.

Whatever. Saturday afternoon, we were walking around Queen St. in downtown Toronto. People are so well dressed! It made me feel so…ugh in my polo shirt and jeans. Looking at myself in the shop windows made myself cringe. *sighs* I saw a really pretty gothic-styled dress. Of course, it was 10 sizes too small. There are some really pretty skirts in the goth shops, but I doubt they’d have anything my size.

Shopping for clothing for myself makes me depressed. The stuff I like never fits me. Shoes. Tops. Pants. Skirts. I guess that’s the way society’s telling me to lose some weight. It’s true -_-; I’ve gained a lot of weight since I’ve been in university (enough to have to up a clothing size). *sighs*

We’ll see about working on that this summer, I guess. I have no problems with changing my eating habits. It’s just the exercise that I dread. I walk to work and back home. That’s only an hour of walking a day. It’s not enough. I hate this topic. Hate it. Why am I talking about it? I don’t know. Ugh.

Regardless. Sleeping in a foreign bed doesn’t do it for me so I was exhausted by this afternoon. I needed a hot shower in a clean bathroom. So I went home and I’ve been snacking and relaxing. My brain is in a bit of a mess right now.  *laughs*

Man, this is going to be garbled and not make logical sense. Oh wells. I went to the mall on Friday and got myself some lipstick! The lady at the counter was very very nice and didn’t mind how clueless I was in terms of make up. Last night, we went to a Japanese restaurant and I had an amazing meal. There was so much food in the set course that I couldn’t eat it all! First there was an appetizer of miso soup and salmon and cucumber maki. Then the main course was a bento box full of goodies. There were 6-7 pieces of tempura (ranging from shrimp to broccoli), a lettuce salad, chicken teriyaki and rice. As a mini dessert, there were 2 slices of orange. (Oh yeah, oranges are SO in season right now. They’re all sweet and just very yummy.) I managed to finish off everything except the chicken teriyaki and rice. But all that food for about $8! That is a deal if I ever saw one! Maybe next time I’ll try the salmon teriyaki.

Going to that restaurant has made me want to dig up my oyako donburi (it’s a chicken and egg dish over rice) recipe and make it again! ^_^

A cup of coffee because it’s bitter. I am too.

My life has been quite pointless lately. Work takes up most of my day. By the time I finish work, it’s too late to do much and I have no energy to do anything else either. Wake up. Go to work. Work for 7 hours. Come home. Spend a few hours doing nothing. Sleep. I like this schedule more than school. It’s less stressful. Just boring.

Regardless, I still feel stress. My mother keeps reminding me constantly to take my driving test. The more she reminds me, the less I want to do it. Even though, I clearly told her that I would get the full license by the time I finish university. She still nags at me non-stop and her nagging keeps echoing in the back of my mind so much that every single time I get a moment of silence, I hear her nagging at me again.

I’m undecided in how I want to deal with my mother from now on. I’m torn between tolerance and revealing how I really feel. Honest, I don’t think I can compromise. Right now, I’m leaning towards showing how I really feel even if it is being rude. I feel quite strongly that her ways are wrong and I blame her for me being who I am right now mostly because she has been the strongest influence in my life.

They notice the anti-social tendencies that I have, but they don’t take action. It makes me wonder if they ever noticed how depressed I am. Heh. I guess I learned from the best how to make the rest of the world believe that your life is perfect even when it’s in crumbles.

7:18pm. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep through the night. My bed calls for me.

Isn’t it retarded how something as simple as a driving test can bother me so much?

“you sound a little addicted to his company sometimes”

That is what my friend from high school told me today. She’s been posting on live journal posts about her and her boy lately. So I’ve been keeping up and commenting and stuffs. Then she somehow switched the conversation to me and learning about my boy (She’s actually the first person to ask “who is ‘the boy ’?”) I guess I never explicitly stated anything on livejournal. The only people who really know anything about him have been told personally and I can count them on two hands.

My instinct tells me that the statement my friend made is very true. It is an addiction and I can never get enough of it. Kind of like anime, only worse cause there are more emotions involved. To put things into perspective, before he moved back to his hometown, we pretty much talked every night for 3-5 hours even through tests, exams and final projects. That’s…a lot of talking. The second thought is that the reason why I’m so addicted to his company is because he gives me lots of attention when we talk.

I’m not sure whether it’s supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing.

Addictions are usually not a good thing because too much of anything is not good for you. I understand that this obsession is not healthy for me. As a direct result, I go through lots of ups and downs emotionally with his absence/presence. I believe that those ups and downs indirectly put pressure on the boy to be around me (so it's not great for him either).

Even so, I feel much happier than I have ever been in my life. Over the past few months where we started talking pretty intensely, I think I’ve changed so much (for the better, of course). I have a long way to go, but my mindset is different than before.

I believe that this strong fascination with another person is one of the factors that drive a relationship (at least in the beginning), don’t you think? If you’re not interested in someone, then you would have no desire to talk to that person. Conversely, if you’re interested in someone, wouldn’t you want to know everything about that someone?

Final thought, I wonder why my friend actually said that statement. She's been staying over at her boy's place for the past few days. They seem to be spending a lot of time together. Doesn't she ever go through the same emotions? I just don't see how it's different except I whine and complain to everyone around me when I don't get to talk to the boy. I guess our circumstances are different and maybe that's the reason?

I guess my question is whether you think this “little addiction” is a good thing or not and whether it’s normal. I really don’t know what to think.

Hope you have a good evening

It’s hard to believe that it’s almost the end of the work week. Work went fine for the most part. There are some new people that I’m still trying to get used to. I don’t like the idea of me being a sempai and having to explain a lot of things that I don’t fully understand myself. It makes me realize how little I actually know. The mister in charge of the lab is a meanie. He won’t let us listen to the radio even though you can’t hear it outside of the little room and he turns the temperature to the coldest possible.

Aside from that, I’ve been busy preparing for the trip to visit the boy. I got a lot done in the past few days. Just getting the convention ticket and booking a hotel nearby. We couldn’t get a room at the hotel that the convention is held at. They only had suites left and that was a bit out of our price range so we settled for a place down the street. I got a chance to discuss with the boy our plans for the three days. I want to cram as much into the three days as possible cause technically, it won’t even be 3 days. It’s Friday afternoon, all of Saturday and a tiny bit of Sunday morning. I do wish it would arrive sooner. Time is not moving fast enough right now.

I am dead tired right now. I’ve been waking up before 6am or around 6am thanks to the birdies in the trees nearby stretching their vocal chords. It’s taking its toll on my body. There is so much I want to do, but there doesn’t seem to be enough time or energy.

My long term schedule feels like such a mess right now. I wish my job was part time so then I can go out and play some more. Money is good though. I’m getting paid the same as during the school year, which is a whole dollar more than last summer.

The weather has been really nice recently. It’s warm and when the wind blows against you, it feels really nice. It makes me want to dance in a field when no one’s around to watch. Spinning and spinning and spinning until you fall over.

I’ve done more walking in the past two days than I have for the past week. The strange thing is that I was wearing running shoes the whole time, but my lower back is killing me right now whenever I try to move it. And it hurt before I slept on the lumpy soft bed last night. I must have slept with my mouth open at one point last night for an extended period of time, my throat was really soar this morning. It’s much better now so hopefully I won’t have to pay a visit to the doc on campus.

My allergies have come back in full blast. Life is very painful every now and then.

So I spent my weekend in downtown Toronto meeting up with friends and working on our costumes for Anime North. Before that I actually met a friend from high school, I could not recognize her at our waiting spot so we both just stood there for the longest time. I felt really horrible about that. My hs friend and I both went to a place called Rice Bar (http://www.ricebar.ca" title="http://www.ricebar.ca" target="_blank"http://www.ricebar.ca). Holy cow it’s an ugly website. I’m disappointed considering how the food was absolutely wonderful. Due to my Chinese background, I grew up eating Jasmine rice nearly everyday for at least dinner (sometimes for other meals too). It is very difficult for me to eat what we call “American rice” that’s not as sticky and soft. On Rice Bar’s menu, they have a choice of infused rice, brown rice, jasmine rice or rice noodles. The infused rice yesterday was a black rice with some Ethopian spice infused into it. It sounded really disgusting at first, but I felt like being adventurous and ordered it. It was absolutely AMAZING. I cannot believe the changes the cooking method and seasoning can create. Anyone who happens to be around the Kensington Market area must visit the place.

I spent the rest of the day and today helping out with our costume making for the anime conventions we’re going to this summer. The most memorable moment was when we decided to play some anime while working on our costumes. So we were cutting out patterns and what not for our Kujibiki Unbalance costumes while watching the show on the laptop and singing along to the opening song. It was a funny moment.

I stayed overnight at my friend’s house and today we worked on the costume some more with figuring out how to modify the patterns for the blazer so it matches what the characters wear. Then we went out to buy even more material that we needed = more walking. *laughs* On the way, we talked about going to A-kon as a way for me to meet up with the boy. They needed to hand in their passport applications while hotel and travel plans need to be executed. There happened to be flight agency nearby, we walked in and…bought tickets. It was not planned, but it’s done. Paid in full and everything. Three plane tickets to Dallas for a weekend.  I AM GOING. While the lady helping us was printing off our tickets, I broke down a little. It scared me how much money I just had my friend spend to go on a trip with me. It scared me how easily I just paid for it. When I walked out that door, I was in disbelief and just…off. The feelings of insecurity, worry and everything negative just flooded my mind. I should have been extremely happy because I will meet the boy in person. I’m really looking forward to being able to hug him. It’s something simple, even stupid in some people’s opinion. Yet do you understand how hard it is when you’re having a bad day and all you want is someone close to you and comfort you with a hug….but you can’t have it?

So why is it that when I’m looking at the flight ticket, I don’t feel happy at all? Only fear. I’m not scared of the boy. I’m scared of what will or will not happen. There is so much at stake and nothing can predict the outcome.

I really want to talk to him right now, but he’s not around. I left him a message so I hope he gets back to me soon. I don’t know how I’m going to work if I’m like this tomorrow. I already almost broke my keyboard tonight by smacking it. My poor keyboard and mouse.

I hope you have a wonderful evening.