Once Upon a Time

I’ve done more walking in the past two days than I have for the past week. The strange thing is that I was wearing running shoes the whole time, but my lower back is killing me right now whenever I try to move it. And it hurt before I slept on the lumpy soft bed last night. I must have slept with my mouth open at one point last night for an extended period of time, my throat was really soar this morning. It’s much better now so hopefully I won’t have to pay a visit to the doc on campus.

My allergies have come back in full blast. Life is very painful every now and then.

So I spent my weekend in downtown Toronto meeting up with friends and working on our costumes for Anime North. Before that I actually met a friend from high school, I could not recognize her at our waiting spot so we both just stood there for the longest time. I felt really horrible about that. My hs friend and I both went to a place called Rice Bar (http://www.ricebar.ca" title="http://www.ricebar.ca" target="_blank"http://www.ricebar.ca). Holy cow it’s an ugly website. I’m disappointed considering how the food was absolutely wonderful. Due to my Chinese background, I grew up eating Jasmine rice nearly everyday for at least dinner (sometimes for other meals too). It is very difficult for me to eat what we call “American rice” that’s not as sticky and soft. On Rice Bar’s menu, they have a choice of infused rice, brown rice, jasmine rice or rice noodles. The infused rice yesterday was a black rice with some Ethopian spice infused into it. It sounded really disgusting at first, but I felt like being adventurous and ordered it. It was absolutely AMAZING. I cannot believe the changes the cooking method and seasoning can create. Anyone who happens to be around the Kensington Market area must visit the place.

I spent the rest of the day and today helping out with our costume making for the anime conventions we’re going to this summer. The most memorable moment was when we decided to play some anime while working on our costumes. So we were cutting out patterns and what not for our Kujibiki Unbalance costumes while watching the show on the laptop and singing along to the opening song. It was a funny moment.

I stayed overnight at my friend’s house and today we worked on the costume some more with figuring out how to modify the patterns for the blazer so it matches what the characters wear. Then we went out to buy even more material that we needed = more walking. *laughs* On the way, we talked about going to A-kon as a way for me to meet up with the boy. They needed to hand in their passport applications while hotel and travel plans need to be executed. There happened to be flight agency nearby, we walked in and…bought tickets. It was not planned, but it’s done. Paid in full and everything. Three plane tickets to Dallas for a weekend.  I AM GOING. While the lady helping us was printing off our tickets, I broke down a little. It scared me how much money I just had my friend spend to go on a trip with me. It scared me how easily I just paid for it. When I walked out that door, I was in disbelief and just…off. The feelings of insecurity, worry and everything negative just flooded my mind. I should have been extremely happy because I will meet the boy in person. I’m really looking forward to being able to hug him. It’s something simple, even stupid in some people’s opinion. Yet do you understand how hard it is when you’re having a bad day and all you want is someone close to you and comfort you with a hug….but you can’t have it?

So why is it that when I’m looking at the flight ticket, I don’t feel happy at all? Only fear. I’m not scared of the boy. I’m scared of what will or will not happen. There is so much at stake and nothing can predict the outcome.

I really want to talk to him right now, but he’s not around. I left him a message so I hope he gets back to me soon. I don’t know how I’m going to work if I’m like this tomorrow. I already almost broke my keyboard tonight by smacking it. My poor keyboard and mouse.

I hope you have a wonderful evening.

This post is going to be full of grammar and spelling mistakes because I don’t really feel like dealing with editing it. I’m not going to even try to make it flow. What comes in my mind will be written down with no processing. Be warned.

I am very angry right now; the kind of anger that makes me want to throw things at the wall, yell at people and be bitchy about every little thing. I am mostly angry because of what I imagine my mother’s reaction will be once I gather up the courage to call her in order to tell her that I’m not going home this weekend. I never once promised that I would be home this weekend. They just assume that everything will be like last year. 

Last summer, I went home every weekend except for the weekends where I went to conventions. I have come to the conclusion that is the sole reason why I always felt like I had no time to myself. I will be home and be dragged around by my parents to run errands and stuff. Going out anywhere by myself would always be questioned. You’d THINK that just following them around in the city would be alright. Nope. Sorry, you’re dead wrong. They always piss each other off in the most stupidest ways over the most stupidest things. If they’re always pissing each other off, why the hell are they still together? Really. I don’t see what’s holding my family together. My parents, like a said 5 seconds ago, are always pissing each other off. They don’t fight, but give each other the silent treatment. My dad always spoils my brother, it pisses my mother off when he does it. (i.e. Stop giving him so much meat, the doctor said he needs to be on a diet!). My dad doesn’t understand my brother at all. Literally. My brother can barely speak in complete sentences so he relies on body/sign language a lot. My mother is obsessed with my brother’s health to a ridiculous level. (All she ever tells me is that I’m fat.) She’s always going on and on about how much my brother eats, etc.etc. But yeah, everyone eats more than her cause she’s leaning towards being anorexic. Go figure.

You know, I always thought my family was a little different from everyone else’s family. But it’s only recent that I’ve realized how much. How wrong everything is and has been. Some of it is the Chinese culture. Some of it isn’t. For the past 20 years of my life, I’ve had trouble telling my parents “no”. Yeah, but some of you may say that it’s normal cause they’re your parents. I agree with that to some extent, but I believe that my inability to say “no” to them was unhealthy to the point where I didn’t have my own life. For example, I cannot light a lighter or a match without forcing myself. This is because they always said that it’s dangerous and that they’d do it. I am not scared of fire, but lighting a match is scary to me. If I look back at myself, my memory tells me that I rarely go out with any friends because I like to be at home. At the same time, I don’t think that’s true. I’ve just done a damn good job convincing myself that over the past years. Now that I think about it, the reason might be because I always end up listen to my mother and her friends talk about how so-and-so’s kid always went out with his/her friends and not be home. I was determined not to be like that so …I never went out with people other than my family for the longest time.

I find myself disagreeing with what my mother says a lot nowadays. Even so, I don’t have the courage to voice my opinions. She said on multiple occasions how it disturbed her that some of the guys my age that we know have earrings and wearing a lot of jewelry. As if something as simple as an earring would mean that they’re bad kids or that they have questionable sexuality. (I think I talked about this before, sorry.) Another thing was when she commented on the characters of Goong (a Korean drama we both watched separately). She said that Yui (or is it Yul?) was a feminine guy in a very degrading manner. I personally thought that actor was better looking than the other dude and he really wasn’t that feminine either. It’s not like he could pass for a girl if he put on a dress…and it’s not like he talked like a girl either. 

Communication has been an issue lately too. It’s always been an issue since she always accuses me of mumbling. My Chinese had degraded rapidly from lack of use. So I prefer to speak English to my parents. Problem is they suck at it. Dad will admit it when he doesn’t understand it (he’ll pause for longer than necessary). Mom on the other will just nod and say yes even when she doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

I don’t agree with them. Not anymore. I want to break away from everything that they’ve taught me and have engraved into me because most of it is wrong. It’s not right when the only piece of evidence that my parents care for me is that they spoil me with money. I wonder if they will be able to take the truth when I tell them one of these days that I’m not going home because I’m busy. It’s because I DON’T WANT to be home with them. That...and the idea that I'm going to fly 2000km to meet a guy I met online and spend 3 days with him.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point.

I hope you have a good evening.

Ugh. I feel kinda sick right now. This is what happens when you randomly decide to eat dinner after skipping the meal for most of the week. Ouchies.

Anyways, I had lunch with my friend yesterday. I haven’t seen her for a few months (at least). The number of times we hang out in a year is definitely in the single digits. We actually went with another person who is the friend’s friend. Through all their complaining about their exams, work and what not, it bothered me. I don’t mind being left out of the conversation. But with everything that they have in their lives, it makes me very jealous of them. They have close friends at school in their program or some classes together. They know each other on a personal level too. Everything you think stereotypical college students would be like. Work hard. Play hard.

I think I’m trying to compare my life with my friend’s life…and it makes me feel very inferior. In terms of looks, social skills, friends, abilities, goals, possibilities of achieving those goals. I know I have good friends. They will go through thick and thin for me (is that the correct saying)? But there’s no one around me that I can chill out at school with, talking about assignments with, goals, hang out with outside of school. Though, I have to admit that I’m picky with my friends and I have trust issues with people (just ask the boy, he’d know allllllllllll about it).

This is a time that can be classified as wanting what you don’t own. My lifestyle, habits and interests are unique and not the norm of society, but I’m not alone with those traits. The boy tells me all the time that I’m really not that stupid (contrary to what my grades say) and that things will work out in terms of careers. I think he’s said it enough times that I’m starting to believe it. Perfect jobs don’t drop into your lap, you have to work for it, take risks and have lady luck on your side. 

Regardless, I think this post ended on a positive note. I don’t know whether I feel better about seeing my friend, but I think it’s time to just move on to another topic.

p.s. The tiara picture is here to point out my happiness with the way my cosplay outfit is going. I have the shoes and the shirt. We’re making the skirt over the weekend and buying the wig. After that, all that’s left is the helmet. [read a bit more here ]

Way too tired to do a picture today *yawns* It's 7:30am now and I didn't get to sleep til shortly after 2am. I had no idea how fun it is to play games with other people, especially if you know them. I was playing Animal Crossing with the boy last night, visiting each other's villages. All the craziness that ensued was FUN. I haven't laughed so hard while playing a game in a long time. He visted my village first and we played virtual tag. I had random pitfall seeds planted in my town (I fell in them -_-;). No overall harm. I got some gifts too! *^_^* It was very sweet of him.

Then we decided to visit his village and since he's been playing for a heck of a longer time than I have, he's got more stuff to show me. The fossil collection was so complete....and lots of other fish..all the furniture. I think the coolest piece of furniture was the fridge. mosly cause you can store items. It's like....how weird it is when you hear of people put clothing inside the fridge during the summer (1). What else, I recked havoc in his town. XD I shook all the peaches off the trees. And I think I got ALL of them. *grins* I also randomly dug holes in his ground. lol. We played hide and seek too! I wasn't very good at hiding...maybe he was just good at finding. I also got to take from fruit with me, which would save me the trouble of finding them. It was a neat experience.

It'd be cool if any of my other friends played the game, though sadly, I don't believe any of them do. (They should though). I still need to think of a name for my DS. Any suggestions?

Hope you have a good day! 

Notes:
1. Which is sort of smart as a temporary way too cool down your temperature, but then your body will work harder to raise the temperature back to normal.

I’m finally back in my school home, away from the hussle and bussle of my family. Sometimes, I wonder why I even go home to see my family. All we ever do is end up pushing each other’s buttons and pissing each other off. It’s not a very nice feeling, especially coming from the family. It was the main reason that I left home for school. I couldn’t take it anymore.

 Oh, I’m very proud of myself today. I got back around 3:30pm and I cleaned up my room. Threw out stuff I didn’t need/want. Reorganized the room so that I can put additional things. I have my own pots and pans now! No more dealing with dirty pans courtesy of my housemates. I have a big enough pot to make stew/soup thingy! I also got laundry done. First time in the last bit that the laundry machines were free. I was getting pretty low on clean clothing to wear.

Hm. What else. OH! A piece of science news! Basically, scientists have found the mutation that causes the genetic disease Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva (FOP). Individuals with this condition have their muscle transformed into bone over a period of time as a result of events as simple as a needle injection. So if there is a muscle connecting to two separate bones and that muscle decides to slowly change into bone matter, it will lock the two connecting bones into place forever. The new bone formed from the muscle is exactly like normal healthy bone except that it’s in the wrong place. I first learned of this condition in a documentary titled “Human mutations” and it’s fascinating. It’s fascinating to see how fragile the human body is and how complicated it is. Yet, we are able to do all these things without even thinking about it. No one ever thinks, “Oh no! The cells in my kidney are low in XYZ protein, so I need to synthesize more.”

 In a way, it’s really hard to believe this complexity arose simply by evolution and a lot of time. There are events that I have been taught that support this spontaneous evolution of life from inorganic matter. It is possible to produce a variety organic matter from inorganic molecules under the right conditions. But it’s just hard to conceptualize how organisms could have had some of the cellular processes, but not all of them. How a cell might have had RNA synthesis, but not protein synthesis…so how would the cell have regulated its membrane transport? I guess…there is no point to this paragraph. Science will never be able to prove or disprove any theory. No one can ever be sure because they weren’t there. People will believe what they want, whether they choose to believe intelligent design, evolution or a bit of both.

p.s. I realize that some of the things I said are a bit too scientific for the general public. I apologize for it, but if you have any questions about it, feel free to ask. I love explaining what I know to other people (they usually don’t understand though).

Links Out:

Washington Post News Article on FOP [Link]
Wikipedia: Origins of Life [Link]

It’s 7am and I’ve already been up for 15 minutes. This is ridiculous. I’ve been waking up earlier and earlier every day and I didn’t even set an alarm clock! The first thought I had today is, “Will someone please shoot those birds dead?” There are a lot of birds around here for some reason and a bunch of different ones too, so they sing at different times and to different levels of annoyance.

I went to the games store yesterday. I liked that branch of the store, the layout was very spacious and I saw people from all age groups in there. It made me more comfortable. They were playing a trailer to Kingdom Hearts II and I got to listen to the theme song in English by Utada Hikaru. It’s a strange song, probably because I listened to the Japanese version of it first. The song itself wasn’t that impressive, but the music video was pretty! They put a lot of money into it *nod*. Even so, I liked the song to the original Kingdom Hearts more. It was sounded just as good on winamp as when I heard on tv.

 Whoops, there was a point to that previous paragraph. I went to buy Animal Crossing cause competitive/challenging games frustrate me…and it makes me want to give up. Anyways, so I play it for a bit and I’m a bit confused so I talk to the boy about at night. He explain to me how to fish and a lot more. ^_^;; It was great to hear him be so passionate about it. And he offered to give me some money (they can do that?) if he ever gets a chance to go to visit my village. I politely declined as I like to do things myself, but it was very sweet of him. Overall, the complexity of the game amuses me. The real life timeline does not. Neither does the graphic style. Now, if it had cuteness like Gaia online, then maybe it’d be okay.

Okay, it’s a quarter past seven now. I can go shower and not worry about waking up people too early. I cannot wait til next week and people move out! The kitchen’s a mess, it’s seriously a health hazard in there. *sighs* There’s no reason that *I* clean everyday. Even if it’s just wipingscrubing the countertops and cleaning out the sink. But these are university people, and for some reason, the can’t wipe the stovetop when stuff spills.

Oh, the city recently implemented a green bin program where you place organic waste into the green bin instead of into the garbage. They provided us with a small container for putting organic waste inside the house and a giant container for general accumulation. The thing is that the food rots really quickly and we’re getting little fruit flies before the stuff accumulates enough so that someone will take it out. I wouldn’t mind taking it out, but the container isn’t lined properly. You can buy these bags for it, but they’re expensive. Right now, they’re just lined with paper flyers. That’s gross, you know? If they were bags, I might take them out. Anyways, I need suggestions on stuff to line the small containers. They won’t allow plastic so no plastic bags.

This was one of a few interesting pictures when I searched on stock.xchng today. An interesting angle on barbed wires. It's pretty in a demented way.

My head's been hurting a whole lot today so i've been taking painkillers. It's an interesting sensation when you're hurting, but not feel any physical pain. I can't believe how stressed I feel right now. My shoulders are so stiff they HURT. I've been sleeping on my back since I got my ears pierced and sleeping on my side put pressure on them so they'd hurt when I woke up. I used to be able to sleep on my side, but lately I've found that even if I tried falling asleep on my side, I'd end up on my back in the morning. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I'm listening to Ken Hirai's "Hitomi wo Tojite ". That guy has a beautiful voice and he can really sing! Like, omfg, listen to the live stuff, this boy can *really* sing. I think my favourite album of his would be the "Ken's Bar " where he sings his version of well known songs. His english is really good too (well, at least when it comes to singing it)! Yes, this deserves an OMG! SQUEEE!!! XD

Links out:
Hitomi wo Tojite + Sentimal on Music Station
MTV Acoustic Unplugged 2003

The photo reminds me of listening to people (or was it the tv) saying how people used to hate the hospital because it was people who go in there don't come out. Of course, they're referring to patients in the earlier days where medicine was not as advanced, making it more difficult to cure people of diseases. And hence, they'd die a lot easier.

Does the hospital scare you? All the deaths that happen there. All the pain and suffering that goes on. They were talking about it in the news the other day. Research suggests that premature babies can feel pain if you try and shove a tube down his/her throat. They did brain scans to see which parts of the brain were active during those processes. Even so, they're not sure if pain is percieved or whether it is a reflex in the brain. Disgusting, don't you think?

I have an exam tomorrow. I'm not prepared for it and I don't think I will be. I don't know if trying my best will allow me to pass the course. I haven't been working for that class and it's....overwhelming.

I've been craving salty foods. Eating pizza pockets that don't taste very good. They didn't have enough msg in it so it was quite flavourless. I had chips in my room too, but somehow..they don't taste as good anymore. Even the ketchup ones. I know that in order to keep your ions in balance inside your body. If you're low on sodium, then you crave it because sodium (along with potassium) are very important in water retention inside your body. It helps keep your body from being dehydrated.

I just have to manage to get through these three days and then I will be done for the term. These three days will pass regardless of what I do or don't do. It's rainy and gloomy today. I wish it would stop. I'm grateful for rain but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Ne, you know what? I did it again. I didn't go see the counsellor on monday. I called them up and cancelled it. I think I was too scared to go. A pity, don't you think?

Neee, the boy told me the other day that he was happy (?) that I wrote something nice about him at the end of the last post. I didn't think much of it..cause I thought I wrote those kinds of things pretty often. But I guess that's cause they go inside the pink book. I guess it's alright to write those sorts of things here every once in a while.

No comments even though I asked a lot of questions. I really don't care. I don't want to listen to any of it either. At least not at this point in time.

Yesterday morning, I downloaded the first episode of the anime Nana. Probably because I’d hear many good things about the series from friends. Maybe because I didn’t have anything to watch. It was an interesting show indeed.

I’m not a bit fan of the style of art the mangaka (Ai Yazawa) uses. The characters are a little to skinny and the facial features are a bit reminiscent of the 80s style drawing. It is unique to her and something I can accept. The plots to her stories have made me a fan. Although I’ve only read/watched 2 of her series, it’s still amazing how the mangaka had integrate such realism, but keep it entertaining enough as a manga.

 Paradise Kiss mainly circled around Yukari finding her place in live, doing what she wanted to do and not what her mother had dictated for her. She started off being this person who tried to live up to her mother’s expectations. The story mentions that she took the exam to a famous middle school, but failed. Her mother wasn’t very happy about it. So Yukari studied hard and got into a famous high school. The only thing worth bragging about her was that she got to walk around in the uniform of the school. But then she meets this group of art students from another school and they manage to change her outlook on life. Being an exam student for university isn’t everything, there are other ways to make a career.

 I think Nana is a bit different in the sense that it’s darker. The story revolves around two girls, both called Nana. They met on a train to Tokyo and somehow ended up as housemates. Nana is a punk-styled girl with a darker past that is reflected in an even darker inner-self. The other Nana (called Hachi* to avoid confusion) grew up in a more normal family and is pretty normal girl who likes to shop and can’t seem to keep jobs very well.

 And…it&rsquo ;s Hachi that really strikes a bit of a chord with me as I was reading the story. In the beginning of the story, she’s just a very selfish and naïve girl. Through her actions, you see that she acts as if the world revolves around her. She is not snobby or mean to anyone. She just can’t put herself in another person’s shoes. I don’t think it’s a very good way to put that. She just ends up causing a lot of trouble for other people. I feel that I’m the same way to other people without realizing it. I’m not stupid in that I’m not going to say that I’m exactly like her. I’m not a manga character living in a manga world. Just bits and pieces ring true to me.

 And it’s scary. Very scary. It upset me a lot to think that I can see that’s how I am to other people. But I have no idea how to change myself. How do you….think about how someone else would feel? Why don’t they have instructions for me? Why…How do you pretend to be someone else when you don’t know how his/her mind works…when you can’t predict what the reaction would be!? It’s confusing. It hurts to not understand. I feel like such a child. Not grown up at all.

 I think what makes it even worse is when I have my childishness pointed out to me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s a part of me that I’m not proud of. Not being able to consider how the other person would feel. Instead, just concentrating on myself. It’s quite shameful, actually. I’m sorry that I’m this way. I really am.

I don’t know what the boy does when I talk to him at night, but it relaxes me and makes my worries go away. The funny thing is that when I get quiet (good indication that I’m sad, which is followed by the reoccurring “what’s wrong”) and he starts rambling about how everything is going to be okay, I don’t believe it. I don’t accept what he says, but I listen. Somehow, by the end of the night I’ll feel much, much better. Maybe he’s a magician or something and has this spell he casts. *laughs*

Anyhow, links:

Nana manga directdownload [http://www.summer-skies.net/s...]
Nana anime [http://www.live-evil.org]

 *Note: Nana = the number seven in Japanese, Hachi = the number eight in Japanese

I officially closed my website today. Wrote a goodbye thingy and everything. For those of you who may not know, I used to run a fan site for Naruto fanfiction. It was formed basically as a way for me to bookmark what fics I liked. There were so many stories and sometimes the plots were similar so they'd run together in my head. Banana Oil was a way for me to put little summaries so I'd remember what the story was about.

Background Info:

Fanfiction is basically where a fan of a show/person/anything writes original stories about the show using the characters. Popular categories include various Anime/Manga, stuff like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. It's a whole new world for people to explore because in a fic, anything can happen. Anyone who's curious can visit the hated fanfiction.net for more details. (It's hated cause they decided to be "family friendly" a few years back and it has caused many many problems. Moderators often remove an author's story without warning just because it pushes the boundary of "family friendly" a bit.)

More thoughts on Banana Oil

Statistics as of April 7, 2006.

• ranks 6th on Google search for the terms "naruto fanfiction"
• there was a point where it ranked 1st in that search using the same terms
• 90 698 hits since July 26, 2004 [Bravenet counter]
• Went through 3 or 4 layouts
• Mailing list of 242 people (Holy shit. It was barely at 100 last time I checked.)

I'm very very proud of how big the site got. It's nothing compared to z-h or the other sites that offer media, but it's amazing for something that *I* did. Who would have thought that it'd last this long? The funny thing is that I didn't make a lot of new friends throughout this time period and I never got a lot of feedback for the site either.

I think the best memory associated with this site would have to be split between 2 events. The first was when I was offered hosting and a new layout. My crappy ass site, get hosted!? *laughs* I was very very happy. Then the second event was when I met someone in real life (friend of a friend who happened to share a hotel room for a convention) and she was shocked when they told her afterwards that I ran the site.

Hopefully, thoughout the close to 2 years that the site has been up, I've corrupted a few souls and made a few people happy. I had lots of fun working on the website and trying to get it popular. It was good times, but it was time to let it go and finally put closure to it.

kayoko

I finally got around to going to the grocery store and lugging all this stuff back. Hopefully, I’ll have enough food until my exams are over. Not that I really mind the exercise to the store and back, it’s just really tough my on shoulders and hands. The trip to the store was nice. It was a little colder than it was last week, but the sun was shinning so it felt wonderful. Though, on the trip back, there was a flood of high school kids from the nearby school going to the supermarket for lunch or snacks. I don’t like them very much even though I remember being like them when I was in high school, short kilts, running shoes and all.

Anyhow, I was up really late talking to the boy last night, but I managed to wake up early for some reason. So I’ve slept for around 6 hours instead of the 12 hours I slept yesterday. I don’t really get my body. It’s been doing a funny thing where I’m never hungry and it just hurts sometimes. I still eat meals just so I’d stop snacking. I bought a small container of “fresh” mini-chocolate chip cookies (they were on sale for $2.99) and I was just nibbling on them for the longest time. I had to stop myself and eat lunch before I finished off the whole container. They’re “fresh” because they’re made by the supermarket so they’re still soft and a bit chewy. I also bought more chips today, but I compromised and got one that was cheaper (Lay’s Ketchup) and one that was more expensive (All Dressed Ruffles). I think I’m really strange that it’s somewhat hard for me to buy a bag of chips that costs $1 extra, but it isn’t a problem for me to spend $50 on a skirt or something like that.

Just to note, I didn’t buy just junk food. I bought bread, real cheese (not the processed crap), milk, orange juice, oranges and a bag of frozen veggies. Frozen veggies are the best! No washing required. No icky bugs laying in my veggies (that freaks me out to no end. I’ve found worms, snails, spiders and mosquitoes so far). 3 minutes in the microwave and they’re done. If they weren’t around, I wouldn’t be very good at eating my vegetables. =P

Argh. Am I that strange for talking about a grocery trip? *ponders*

On another note, I have an appointment with my personal counselor next Monday so I’ve been trying to remember what I wanted to talk to him about, but I have such a hard time remembering! Gwar! I’m very interested in what advice he has to offer since last time was just a session to get to understand my situation a little bit. Too bad they’re closed for the spring/summer term.

Hm. I find that when I’m depressed, I want to do artsy stuff. And the strange thing is that they usually turn out better than usual too. I feel like sewing something right now. I actually want to make a plushie. Not that I know how or anything. Oh wells. I think I'll settle for drawing something weird and slightly disturbing. *giggles*

I hope you’re having a good day. Thank you for coming.

I ended up doing absolutely nothing today. I'm not quite sure why, but school seems to be a bit overwheming once again. I didn't study today so I tried to do something for my job. I got most of it done, but looking at my files made me think of how under appreciated I feel at work. Over the past semester, I've been trying really really hard to do my work well. No one has really said anything.

For the past few hours, I've been desperately trying to find someone to talk to. I couldn't find anyone. Not on my IM chat. Not on IRC. Not in the chat rooms. I think I was just looking for something that couldn't be found.

 My body is screaming at me to let it rest. My eyes hurt. The back of my head was being very very painful earlier.

I woke up this morning to discover the massive pile of yaoi/shounen-ai manga that Nakama had released yesterday. 54 chapters of new and continuing series and one-shots. I ended up reading most of them. Even the bad ones.

Today has been interesting in terms of the music I've been listening to. I dug up my old cds and pulled the Loveless ed (Michiyuki by Hikida Kaori) and Fruits Basket songs to listen to. They're all slow, ballad songs. Something that I can easily sing along to, but just as easily zone out.

I'm tired of being where I am right now, of being here and just...everything.  It's exhausting. I don't see how other people can do it. I wish it wasn't such a battle to live. I feel like I'm living in that room in the picture for this post. It makes me want to fade into the shadows and nothingness.

It surprises me that I still think about these things. How strong I wish things would just go away. How I know to make everything just 'go away'. Before, I thought that it'd be okay if I just disappeared cause no one would be sad. Sure, friends and family might be sad, but they don't care. They would act like that because society expects them to be sad. Kind of like how people talk about how many people are killed in car bombs in the middle east. Do you seriously think I care about those people? I don't, but I still feel sad. But now, I know at least one person would be sad if anything happened to me. Yet, those thoughts continue to plague me every so often. It frightens me. It really does. I don't think I'm capable for consciously inflicting harm to myself (except for unhealthy eating habits). My counsellor was very surprised that I was so certain of that I wasn't capable of trying to kill myself. Sometimes...I would think..ah...what would happen if I could somehow make myself pass out somewhere. But I would never have the courage to try to make it happen. What would happen if i jumped in front of that car? It'll only take one step. 

What I really don't get are the posters or sayings that tell you not to kill yourself because life is worth living..and that there is so much ahead of you. I can't really see anyone believe that.

.....crap. I'm doing it again, aren't I? Pushing away all the good things so that I'm left with only the bad things. Heh. I'm sorry. I have a tendency to do that..except when I lie and say the opposite so that people will correct me and tell me good things I want to hear. I also hate that side to me.

 There are things to look forward to in life. Getting married. See your friends get married and be happy. Getting a steady job. Being able to hold your own baby. Seeing little ones grow up. Growing old. But in between all those things are all these hardships that I don't think I can handle. In a strange way, if my life were to end tomorrow, I don't think I would regret not having done those things.

I think it's time for me to stop now. Goodnight.

Note to the boy: I'm fine.

"Lost at Sea " is the title of this picture to the left. It's a nice picture, minus the subject (Sorry, ojisan!). Oh wells. you live with what you can get for free, *laughs* I'm no perfectionist so it doesn't bother me too much.

It's actually kind of funny, don't you think? I made the earlier post today questioning whether I'd have something to write. It's evening now and here I am typing more nonsense.

I've been studying off and on and enjoying my weekend. I only got 1/2 of my goal accomplished so I'm very behind in my schedule right now. But I'm not going to force myself to do it yet. Aside from the time I've spent with the textbook and my anime, I spent a bit of time looking at other people's blogs.

I ran across many subjects, from politics to relationships, family life and even spam blogs. I skipped over the political stuff and the spam as I don't really care for either of them. As for the other blogs I visited, it was interesting to see how they repeated subjects. People really do go through the same things. There was one situation in a blog that sounded like it came out of a tv show. If so many people go through the same thing, how come it doesn't seem any easier for these people?

I guess this part is more for the boy than anyone else, but it doesn't matter. An opinion from anyone would be nice. It's only sunk in right now that he's occupied again. For the last week or so, he's been busy and away from me. I went through many, many feelings from ease to frustration to sadness, even anger. But not once did I cry. It feels strange not to be able to do it. I don't understand why it is so. Though, I guess it's a good thing cause then if I did get upset like that, the boy would worry and that is a no-no. Ne?

What's even worse is that I'm stuck here studying for exams while he gets to go back and hang out with his friends. *envy* Meh. I'm running out of stuff to drink again..ugh..must go to the supermarket soon..but I don't want to lug everything back cause it's so heavy! >_< AH....I've started ranting. Gomen. Gomen.

I'm going to call it a night and try not to think too much while I try to go to bed. Goodnight and sweet dreams to whomever may stumble by.

kayoko

p.s. I'm in love with my blog. It's pretty. (except it still looks funny in IE, see previous post)

Anyways, I decided to come back and play with the layout. Just because it's fun to look at something you made and think that it is pretty. The boy has come back to tblog to blog, so I'll be around here more often. However, I don't have anything that I would like to write in here, but we'll see. I can never get tired of talking about myself sometimes. =P Feel sorry for people who talk to me a lot.

Anyhow, the layout is optimized for Firefox 1.5 1280x1024. The header picture tiles in IE and I can't figure out (for the life of my why, nor can I fix it). So if anyone knows how to fix it, please tell me. Cause it's really frustrating that I can't seem to fix it. 

For anyone not using firefox, try it. It's just cool to use firefox. Kind of like it's cool to have an iPod even though it's an Apple product. I guess tabbed browsing takes a bit to get used to, but I've grown really fond of it. I think the best thing about firefox is how much customization you can add to it. There are extentions to add features to tab browsing to make it more enjoyable, there are extentions that take the best of mac os (the one where you have all your windows laid out and you pick the one you want to focus on)....the search bar is cool..built in rss feeds.

So, anyone want to tell me why my layout works in firefox but not IE?