This post is going to be full of grammar and spelling mistakes because I don’t really feel like dealing with editing it. I’m not going to even try to make it flow. What comes in my mind will be written down with no processing. Be warned.

I am very angry right now; the kind of anger that makes me want to throw things at the wall, yell at people and be bitchy about every little thing. I am mostly angry because of what I imagine my mother’s reaction will be once I gather up the courage to call her in order to tell her that I’m not going home this weekend. I never once promised that I would be home this weekend. They just assume that everything will be like last year. 

Last summer, I went home every weekend except for the weekends where I went to conventions. I have come to the conclusion that is the sole reason why I always felt like I had no time to myself. I will be home and be dragged around by my parents to run errands and stuff. Going out anywhere by myself would always be questioned. You’d THINK that just following them around in the city would be alright. Nope. Sorry, you’re dead wrong. They always piss each other off in the most stupidest ways over the most stupidest things. If they’re always pissing each other off, why the hell are they still together? Really. I don’t see what’s holding my family together. My parents, like a said 5 seconds ago, are always pissing each other off. They don’t fight, but give each other the silent treatment. My dad always spoils my brother, it pisses my mother off when he does it. (i.e. Stop giving him so much meat, the doctor said he needs to be on a diet!). My dad doesn’t understand my brother at all. Literally. My brother can barely speak in complete sentences so he relies on body/sign language a lot. My mother is obsessed with my brother’s health to a ridiculous level. (All she ever tells me is that I’m fat.) She’s always going on and on about how much my brother eats, etc.etc. But yeah, everyone eats more than her cause she’s leaning towards being anorexic. Go figure.

You know, I always thought my family was a little different from everyone else’s family. But it’s only recent that I’ve realized how much. How wrong everything is and has been. Some of it is the Chinese culture. Some of it isn’t. For the past 20 years of my life, I’ve had trouble telling my parents “no”. Yeah, but some of you may say that it’s normal cause they’re your parents. I agree with that to some extent, but I believe that my inability to say “no” to them was unhealthy to the point where I didn’t have my own life. For example, I cannot light a lighter or a match without forcing myself. This is because they always said that it’s dangerous and that they’d do it. I am not scared of fire, but lighting a match is scary to me. If I look back at myself, my memory tells me that I rarely go out with any friends because I like to be at home. At the same time, I don’t think that’s true. I’ve just done a damn good job convincing myself that over the past years. Now that I think about it, the reason might be because I always end up listen to my mother and her friends talk about how so-and-so’s kid always went out with his/her friends and not be home. I was determined not to be like that so …I never went out with people other than my family for the longest time.

I find myself disagreeing with what my mother says a lot nowadays. Even so, I don’t have the courage to voice my opinions. She said on multiple occasions how it disturbed her that some of the guys my age that we know have earrings and wearing a lot of jewelry. As if something as simple as an earring would mean that they’re bad kids or that they have questionable sexuality. (I think I talked about this before, sorry.) Another thing was when she commented on the characters of Goong (a Korean drama we both watched separately). She said that Yui (or is it Yul?) was a feminine guy in a very degrading manner. I personally thought that actor was better looking than the other dude and he really wasn’t that feminine either. It’s not like he could pass for a girl if he put on a dress…and it’s not like he talked like a girl either. 

Communication has been an issue lately too. It’s always been an issue since she always accuses me of mumbling. My Chinese had degraded rapidly from lack of use. So I prefer to speak English to my parents. Problem is they suck at it. Dad will admit it when he doesn’t understand it (he’ll pause for longer than necessary). Mom on the other will just nod and say yes even when she doesn’t understand what I’m saying.

I don’t agree with them. Not anymore. I want to break away from everything that they’ve taught me and have engraved into me because most of it is wrong. It’s not right when the only piece of evidence that my parents care for me is that they spoil me with money. I wonder if they will be able to take the truth when I tell them one of these days that I’m not going home because I’m busy. It’s because I DON’T WANT to be home with them. That...and the idea that I'm going to fly 2000km to meet a guy I met online and spend 3 days with him.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point.

I hope you have a good evening.