It almost felt like 50 degrees Celcius today (around 118F)! It’s hotter here than it is in Texas where the boy lives. The people on the news keep asking people to conserve energy and stuffs. It really makes me wonder why the people at school can never get the temperature right. I was in the science and engineering library for most of the day and it was cool in there. After a few hours, I had my sweater on and I was still cold. So I go back to the hospital where the lab is and it is hot in there! Apparently the building’s AC can’t seem to cool the whole building so they’ve been directing the cool air to the important places like ICU and pediatrics, which basically left everyone else to fend for themselves. It’s rather annoying when it’s nice outside and you’re freezing inside and when it’s horribly hot outside, you’re roasting in there.

Enough of that, it’s summer so no complaints. Today’s post is going to be a bit ranty. Hope no one minds. If you do, feel free to skip it and move on to more interesting things .

I’ve been feeling a bit off lately. Though, I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong. The bills are paid for, things are half decent with the boy and I’ve made lots of plans with my friends. I do believe the heat is getting to me a little because my stomach’s been a bit unwell and it just hurts every once in a while. I think I’m stressing myself out with work.

Things are going too well right now. There’s nothing wrong, I’m just not making a lot of progress. Every time I get asked the question, “so what are you up to?” The answer always seems to be, “I’m still reading.” There’s a bit of competition between one girl as much as we try to help each other by sharing ideas. We’re both working on projects that are essentially the same, but applying them for different organisms. She’s had lots of trouble getting the database to work for her organisms. I have twice, if not three times, as many organisms as she does. Regardless, it’s hard not to compare the pace I’m working at to her.

I feel very lost in what I’m doing. I’ve been handed a manuscript and told to write my paper in the same order. That’s about all the instructions that I’ve been given. I’m having a tough time deciding what information is relevant and what is not. I understand that writing a scientific paper is a very independent process, but I’m not her, I’m the girl that failed classes and barely passed some courses last year.

I want to do well. I want to impress my mother and show her the paper when it gets published, if it does. I want her to be proud of me. I feel like I’ve been really trying to move forward on this project, but the effort’s not paying off. I’m still stuck where I was last week.

I am stressed and I don’t handle stress very well. It builds up and I have a breakdown. There are things about myself that I can’t seem to get right. I’ve come to terms with how I look. Dressing myself in a stylish way in clothes that fit me correctly has gotten me compliments from people (the articles of clothing, not me). But that makes a difference because I feel I can hold my head high when I walk around in public and let them stare.

However, I don’t have the confidence when it comes to my abilities as a student or as an employee. I feel as if I can’t do anything right. Even if it’s done, it’s never done very well. I don’t know why anyone would hire me. I wouldn’t hire myself. Heh.

In a weird way, having this relationship with the boy has changed what I tell him. I always end up filtering things so that I don’t make him worry. Before, I would have no qualms about complaining about my day to him or going on and on about how unhappy I used to be. Now, I hold myself back unless he catches on that something’s not right (he’s very good at that).

Anyways, thank you for your time. Thank you for reading. I hope you have a good evening. And remember, trans-fats are bad for you. Eliminate them from your diet! Drink lots of water during heat waves. Don’t want anyone to pass out. >_<